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Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Fireproof is amazing. So is Anberlin. So is God.

Recently I've really been at a loss to figuring out what has been going on inside of me. Usually I'm pretty good at figuring things out but this time around, it's been so much more convoluted. I've hidden my heart away from everyone including myself and God in some kind of effort to protect myself out of fear for what bad things are coming. I've stood by and watched pain accumulate in the hearts of my friends and I have ached for them and continue to do so. Love can be so messy and complicated. When love falls into the hands of imperfect humans, it certainly is and will always be messy, but when we put our hearts in the hands of our Father...love becomes victorious and powerful and perfect....and all-consuming...

Though I've desperately kept my heart away from God lately, He still loves. He still is good. Even when I have been blinded by my own insecurities, fears, and sins, He loves me where I am and continues to meet me here- here in my confusion He is still in control and still chooses to bless me when I seek Him.

Tonight, when I should have been sleeping, studying, showering, cleaning, reading, journaling, tv-viewing...I went to see a movie that I was skeptical of seeing, though excited. God met me there. Right there in my seat- in the almost empty movie theater as the credits played. I watched God put the pieces together in front of my heart and realized the truth...He still loves. And He is still moving... He is not finished yet. Things are difficult, but here He is still. He is still here by my side...He still loves ME...specifically.

God has been more than faithful. In ways I have not expected, He has shown up and blessed and loved me. He told me tonight that the battle is not over yet. Though sometimes it feels like I lose a few rounds, the fight is not over...because it will be won- by Christ. It will. And all this confusion and difficulty will disappear... He is fighting. For me... He is here...and He is mighty to save. He who conquered DEATH can surely conquer all of this. There is nothing He can't do and there are NO LIMITS to how He will show His love. I find comfort in knowing that He's not done with me yet. I rejoice in the realization that He will never quit...He will never quit... He will continue to come through for me in ways I can't expect... And I love that. He never stops working.

He rescued me tonight... He came, in only the way He can, and reached out to me. He opened my heart again, to hope for what good there is to come- because there IS good to come yet. And He is FIGHTING in this very moment to make that possible. He came close and sat in the seat next to me, noticing me in all my attempts to stay hidden. I don't want to live a dry life...love from an empty heart...breathe from collapsed lungs. I am meant to live a life that is ALIVE... My heart yearns to beat again, and tonight, He jump started the life back into my weary soul. My lungs long for breath...and tonight, I breathed again- even just for a short while as I smelled the aroma of what it is to be loved by such a God...

If I'm hidden at all it should be in Him. If I launch myself into anything it should be into Him. If I love anyone it should be Him. When everything gets dark and there is no light and no truth, all is not what it seems. God is still there among the shadows. God is still moving, doing, seeking my heart. I believe in His goodness. Things get out of control but there is nothing that can take the control out of God's hands. When the night is dark, morning does come...but God is not absent in the darkness. He IS...that's all we need to know...He exists, He is, He's here...and things will get better because He is fighting at this very moment to bring you closer. But will we let Him closer? Regardless, He is.

"Love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for."

Please keep fighting.

I can't find any more words.

Thursday, 13 November 2008

i wrote this for my friends

we'll run like the wind is chasing us instead.
we'll look ahead and jump forward to see what is there.
glancing over our shoulders, we'll smile and remember
we're learning and we've lived, and will continue to love.
we look around now and see the truth that lies in each of us,
there is hope, goodness, forgiveness, new life.
there is a breath that runs through us as we go forward,
one step at a time, together in our strengths and weaknesses.
together we experience our victories and failures-
there is nothing else to this life running through our veins.
when we want to stop we'll close our eyes and breathe
and live to take one more step, one more breath
until we can't be filled any more than we are.
we'll make mistakes but we will learn too, and move and be moved.
when i look around at all of you, i see your hearts and mine;
when i look up, i smile, knowing there are stars behind the clouds-
there is light, and i am freed in the wake of its warmth,
and when i look back over at you, i see you feel it too.
i laugh, encouraged by your smile and friendship.
you are, i am, He is, and we are all in this together-
and sometimes, nothing else matters but that.
sometimes, this moment is enough to heal our torn hearts.
but this moment will always be ours, possessed and contained
in our memories and hearts, and one day in the future
you'll glance back over your shoulder and see me smiling still,
laughing still, gazing at you in the memories we have,
still loving you for who you really are, no matter how you change.
no matter what you go through, run as though the wind is chasing you
instead of running away from what is behind that hurts.
there is joy, and it is real within the freedom you seek.
lets run together, and keep running, and running...
finding joy along the way in our cheerfulness
and strength in our joy to take one more life-giving breath-
and jump off the daunting cliffs into the surprising water below.
there is freedom in throwing off the fear that binds you...
so just jump.
jump, and be free.

Sunday, 26 October 2008

Holy crap.

Wow God. You're amazing...what You're doing in me...love is not fake. Love is strong...encompassing...accepting...forgiving...WHO YOU ARE... I'm not scared that this will fade God...if it does, I will seek after You even more intently. Wow, God...what a contrast this is to how I was feeling this morning! Thank You for rewarding my faith God...solidify this in me God, and help me to recognize You as Father, not just as Lover. Thank You God...for not only restoring me but for building me anew...I AM a new creation... God...I love You so much!!! I "WILL NEVER BE THE SAME"!!!! I don't need anything but You God...YOU ARE ALL I NEED....and You're becoming all I want too... I want to be ruined for anyone else God...because they aren't you or even close... You are SO different from all of us down here God...and You chose ME...You died for ME...You're at work for the glory YOU DESERVE...and so should I be too- at work for YOUR glory. God, wow...I prayed to be genuine and here I am...all of me God...surrendered to Your plan and will and intense love for me that I know I can never repay...all of my heart out there in the open...out on the table expecting to be bruised and beaten for the little worth I feel that I have, and NO...YOU come and pick me up...You come and lift my tattered heart out of the cold and brutal battle and guard it safely, as if it were Your own...and You heal it...slowly You mend every wound and cover every scar...You wash every sin in the blood You pump into my dying heart...You speak words of life with Your breath and I BREATHE...I LIVE...for real... I am made new, I am recovered by the death You died for me. I am not lost, I am found in the arms of a Father who CHERISHES the very thought of me...I am found in the hands of a God that is trustworthy and faithful, even to a blade of grass like me...I am found lifted up in the sight of a Man that died for love of me, for the possession of my very heart... I look around me and ALL I CAN SEE IS LOVE... What once was dark is now light...and by it I see the truth...finally, I see the truth...

And this isn't the end...it doesn't stop here...

Monday, 22 September 2008

Life isn't a quick fix

These last few days have been incredible. I'm not exactly sure what God did in me...but I am different...freed... After more than a year of fighting God, I'm so at peace to put down my fists, open my hands, and then raise them up again to praise Him and mean it. Though I feel like I can breathe again, I'm submerged in the reality of the things I need to work on- real issues like self-worth and idols... I realize that while I carried these issues in my heart for most of my life, I never understood how they have impacted the person I am today and my relationships with loved ones and God. But that's okay, God is meeting me where I am.

Before, I wanted a quick fix, a quick and simple solution to my problems. I've always just wanted God to come in, remove the problem, and then go on with my life like it never existed. I realize now that I wasn't ready to face what was really going on in me or own up to dealing with it. Life isn't a quick fix... But after going through by far the most difficult time in my life to date, I'm ready to stop running, turn and look God in the eyes- because even though I am ridiculously imperfect, He sees a different young woman that is covered in white- and I pray that I will begin to see my true reflection in His loving eyes. I'm ready now to work through what is wrong- hand in hand with my God. I have a lot to figure out...but I know I won't go a single step of the way alone. He will carry me when I am too weak to stand, and run with me when I am strong. There is a long road ahead, but I have never been so hopeful or eager to begin.

I don't care anymore about all the hurt and anger and sin that has dominated me for the last three and a half months... It just doesn't matter to me- not to say that it doesn't matter that it happened- because it definitely does. It isn't like I don't care that I messed up...but I don't care that I had to go through experiencing what it is like to live without God as my center to figure out how invaluable God is and how unfathomable His love is. This sort of "free-ness" I feel now was worth all of that heart break...and that's saying a lot... It needed to happen. I'm not bitter anymore or even angry that it had to go down like that... I'm just so relieved to be sitting at His feet again, after such a long time of running and running and running away from anything that could hurt me. I'm tired of running...I want to stop and face my fears- something I've always been terrified of doing. I want to start living...stop hiding...start loving from my heart...stop blocking the world out...start accepting His help and love...stop trying to do it alone. And I will, I am.

I encourage any of you reading this, those who know what I mean and those who don't, to do the same. Don't wait for life to get easier...it won't. Life is messy and will always be a work-in-progess. Start living NOW. Love and give from your heart, forgive those who wrong you, acknowledge the problem and then set out to fix it, do things because you CAN, get out and live the life you were given- no matter what circumstances, listen more than you speak, surrender and let go of the things that bind you...reach out to God, He will meet you where you are and will be with you in every scenario, situation, and moment of your life...happy, sad, angry, silly, numb...He will be and is always right there by your side experiencing every second of your life with you. You are never alone, and He is always listening, always guiding you, always loving you.

Monday, 11 August 2008

a possible glimmer of hope

I just stumbled across a journal I started back in January. Even though I remember what I was feeling when I wrote it, reading it now brings to light things that don't really make sense with what I was going through at the time. I struggled then too, but I was hopeful...

These words are the last of what I've written from March 31st:

"I need more time with God. I can't do this without Him. I miss Him, I miss His influence in my life. I miss spending an hour a day with Him. I miss the me that desperately loved Him, that purposely sought after Him, that willingly obeyed Him, the me that knew better than to let her priorities get mixed up. But there is the hope for change. Though God doesn't change, He is the God of change...He does not leave His followers untouched. I love that about Him. I want to be changed. I want to change. I need to change.

Change me God."

Reading that makes me remember what I'm missing by doing what's easy and just shutting God out in my suffering. It's been a difficult year and an especially difficult summer, but I can't help but feel like I have to believe there is still some fight left in me. I remember writing "change me God" and hesitating. Now, months later, I see that I am changed- though not for the better. Not yet anyway. I have to believe that things will work themselves out and that the storm will pass...that an oasis will appear in this desert. I have to believe that God is not done with me yet. I've never felt so lost or hopeless, and things have never looked so bleak, but I'm learning everyday that I am nothing. I can do nothing on my own or in my own strength. I am so small. I have yet to learn just how gigantic my God is, and how mighty He is to save me. But that will come. Though I have to wait on God to save me, I am called to fight this battle within me, not with my own strength, but with His.